Don’t Worry. I’ll Fix It.

crisis

I have some good news for you, citizens. Your dysfunctional government gridlock has finally hit bottom. You’ve been thinking, “Why can’t some benevolent King just come in and impose a system that works?” Now, I recognize that democracy is OK, in theory. If you could be confident that your vote would be counted — and that it was informed by the best information that a courageous, independent Fourth Estate could give you — then, yes, representative government might work. But you’ve tried that, haven’t you? Look what it has led to! Your Supreme Court has officially put the corporations in charge: they can spend as much as they want to browbeat you into voting their way. No, friends, it’s not working. Something has to be done.

So I’m pleased to inform you that as of today, every stinking scrap of your corrupt, costly governmental machinery has been stripped away. Along with my Sovereign Council of excellent, levelheaded friends, I will now implement a visionary program of social transformation.

Hard-working citizens like you are beset with thieves. Everywhere you go, and whatever you do, someone is there to steal from you. We are going to get rid of those robbers, one by one. Do you think it is beyond our power to expunge all these malevolent actors in society? Remember, we are not hindered by bureaucracy. We’re not hindered by craven political triangulation. In fact, we’re not hindered by anything.

You see, my friends and I are not from your planet, and we have certain abilities and resources that are — well, let’s just say, unprecedented in your history. When I say we can get rid of all the people who are stealing from you, believe me: I mean it. Here’s what I’m going to do, for you:

Abolish Taxation

My friends and I will use the skills and technology we’ve brought to your world to provide all the infrastructure, public transportation, safety, education and defense apparatus you’ll need, at no cost to you. Henceforth, every penny that you’ve been paying to the government will be yours to keep.

End crime

There will no longer be any need to imprison your people. Most of them are being kept captive for victimless crimes, anyway! We have effective ways of punishing true wrongdoers — and since education will be cost-free, rehabilitation of former convicts will not be a problem.

Get rid of oil cartels and energy monopolies

We have brought with us a clean, practical technology for utilizing the ambient energy of the abundant dark matter of space. You will no longer be held hostage by those who hold your world’s fossil-fuel resources, and you will no longer need to destroy your climate by burning such fuels.

Neutralize weapons and end wars

We have implemented a system that renders all nuclear warheads inoperable. Your geopolitical situation has, therefore, completely changed. Furthermore, be assured that should any of your conventional arsenals be deployed against other Earthlings, the aggressors will be dealt with by us, and they wouldn’t want that.

Citizens of Earth, you are about to embark on a new age, an age of freedom, in which you will never again have to endure the stinging flies of taxation and crime. You’ll never know the fear of annhilation in senseless war. You will never need to worry about polluting your air or destroying your climate. And the technology we can implement will greatly reduce the time and effort you must expend in making your living.

I, your King, and my Sovereign Council, hereby take and assume control of the territory and physical endowment of Planet Earth, for the purpose of saving humanity from itself, and getting rid of all the thieves that plague the Earth’s people. If you will just comply with our one simple requirement, you will be free to work, to create, to produce, and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You simply must pay us the rent we are due, as sovereign owners of your world.

Or, you can leave.

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